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4 ½ Dresses

20 Apr

Oh, you guys. It has happened again.

You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?

I’m certainly overly familiar with it.

I’m going to be a bridesmaid. Again.

How many times have you been a bridesmaid, Verity?:

  • 4 ½ (don’t ask).

Congratulations!

  • Why thank you, I am quite chuffed.

Now, while I am honoured to be honoured in such a way, I take this appointment seriously. Maybe too seriously for a volunteer position. It’s like I need to prove that I am the right lady for the job. That the bride is getting her moneys worth.* So when I was asked to be a bridesmaid the other day, I made sure the bride understood my commitment level.

I sent her this text:

“Just checking in on day one of my assignment. It should be noted here that I do not believe in being a lazy bridesmaid and consider my position a working one and not merely figurehead. At your service, Bride-to-Be. Haha.

But actually I am being serious.”

And I was.

But as it happens, the church is booked, the invitations are in the mail, the reception has been lined up, the colour scheme arranged…

and there seems to be nothing left to do.

So maybe I am going to be useless after all. My position will become more of a title than a job. I fear I’m going to turn into one of those lesser royals who is known only for their appalling choice of dress and hat (No offence Princess Beatrice. You seem lovely and we were born in the same year. Solidarity sister).

The other problem of course, is that as a figurehead bridesmaid, I will continue to be subject to many a delightful inquiry** from loving family and friends.

One notable incident occurred a few years ago. My beloved friend, who was 9 years old at the time, wondered:

“Verity?” he asked in that sweet little boy voice.

“Yes, dear?”

“Have you heard of the movie about the lady who was a bridesmaid lots of times?”

“Oh, you mean 27 dresses?”

“Yeah. Well I was just thinking… that’s you. It is! How many dresses have you got now?”

Let’s stop the reminiscing for a second and analyse that.

Firstly, is it terrible that I have somehow led a young boy to believe that my existence may be summed up by a Katherine Heigl movie?

Secondly, 27 Dresses? Really? I would prefer he say,

“Oh Verity, have you heard of the movie True Grit. You’re just like the lead girl. You don’t need no man or pretty dress to headline your own movie. You’d be able to survive in the Wild Wild West.”

Thirdly, now it’s got me thinking: am I a Katherine Heigl or a Mattie Ross? Surely I’d more suited to riding around the desert on a horse than performing predictable meet-cutes involving heels and a NYC manhole.***

Please don’t stick me in a romcom. I beg of you!

Now I’m over thinking it.

Ok, calm down. I am not Katherine Heigl. I only have 4.5 dresses. And anyway I like bridesmaiding. Being a bridesmaid is rewarding, enjoyable and lovely and getting a new dress is never a bad thing….but….

 

 

 

Oh lawsie, I hope I don’t make it to 27.

 

*If you are thinking of going into bridesmaiding for the money, don’t. The pay is terrible. However it looks excellent on one’s resume and you can add Bridesmaid to your official title:

Verity Grace. BA. BM x 4.5

** Sample interaction with relatives Uncle Tim and Aunt Betsy:

“Gee you’re often a bridesmaid aren’t you, Verity? Well you know what they say, don’t you? Don’t you? What do they say?”

“No, I do not know what ‘they say,'” I will reply deadpan.

“Oh, you know what they say. Always a bridesmaid…”

“Always wearing killer heels?”

“Oh you’re no fun, Verity. Maybe that’s why no one’s picked you up yet.” Uncle Tim laughs raucously.

“Oh don’t be cruel, Tim!” Says Aunt Betsy with a smile.

*** Pretty sure I saw that plot in a JLo film not 27 Dresses. You see my point though.

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It’s A Wonderful Life

22 Dec

I have not been accomplishing all that much recently. Unless you call eating an extraordinarily high amount of Christmas related food, consuming all forms of Christmas media (notably It’s A Wonderful Life) and perfecting my Jimmy Stewart impression (“Merry Christmas you wonderful old building and loan!”) accomplishments.

But I feel you deserve something. You who are still reading this despite having presents to wrap, couriers  to berate, uncles to pick up from under the table- which segues nicely into the small anecdote I will recount for your amusement.

The Boss graduated yesterday. Yes, thank you, thank you. My sister is quite superb. We had a party for her. It was all fun and games until the conversation turned to dating. I said I was going on a date with a friend tomorrow.

The Accomplished Uncle, ever ready to poke fun sniffed: “A friend? Can’t you at least find a second-hand boyfriend or husband? I mean really!”

I didn’t like his tone, so I made a few curt remarks about his age ( I might have said that he settled Canberra and started its first school but that could equally be a slight on our nation’s capital now couldn’t it?).

When the night wound down, I curled up on the lounge with a glass of red. The Accomplished Uncle got that look in his eye. You know the one. The troublesome one.

“If I were you,” he informed my mother while pointing to me. “I’d slap it silly. The cheeky little-”

And that’s all I’ve got time for. Another day of feasting awaits!

My Father – The Teenager

15 Dec

“Hey peeps, I’ve recorded Teen Cribs for you and can I just say it was awesome.”

Who said that? 

A.) A hardcore gansta teen

B.) An over-excited girl

C.) The Captain (My dad)

My dad was cool before "I know, right?" was cool.

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Life as a Sister

14 Dec

From Left: The Accomplished Woman, The Boss, The Child, The Prince.

I am a sister of the highest order as I am both a big sister and a little sister.

I know which one I prefer. It’s obvious. Big sisters have all the power.

My big sister, The Boss, was a natural dictator. We kids lived by the law of the land and the land said that The Boss was queen. She could order me to do anything and I’d smile my oversized teeth and comply with pleasure.

The Boss got all of the best roles in the family plays: Fantine from Les Miserable, Britney from Alvin and the Chipmunks, The blonde one from Abba, I could go on. I was always the dorky character, The Prince was by default the lead male and The Child played any leftover parts (generally non-speaking, always cute as a button).

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Accomplished Women Move On From Mean Girls

25 Nov

It’s about to get heated. I have brought my soapbox especially for the occasion.

Ready?

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The Overachiever’s Daughter

21 Nov

My mother is an overachiever. It’s a fact I live with everyday. I know that if I invite a friend over for Friday night dinner, I can expect a three course meal, bespoke floral arrangements, a choice of desserts and possibly homemade bread rolls. Heck, my mother makes a feast most nights just for us.But it’s not just food. Oh no. Every job she’s ever had she’s pummelled into pieces in half the time it took the last guy to fill his new desk with Curly Wurlies.

She also knows the answer to every Jeopardy! question (Answer: My mother. Question: What is an overachiever?).

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Sensibilities

17 Nov

Accomplished Women Relate.